


Evil!Snape Sings

by pauraque



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Filk, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-12-10
Updated: 2003-12-10
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:57:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304484
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pauraque/pseuds/pauraque
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>...or, HMS Gryffindor.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Evil!Snape Sings

**Author's Note:**

> This was written in 2003, when Snape's allegiances were a topic of heated debate. I was always utterly convinced that he was Good, but I wrote this anyway.

SCENE: The Ministry of Magic. The building is dank and filled with cobwebs, and generally evil-looking.

Enter EVIL!SNAPE in a stylish black cloak, accompanied by EVIL!MINIONS.

 _Song_ to the tune of "When I was a lad I served a term" from HMS Pinafore (music by Sir Arthur Sullivan)

SNAPE:

When I was a boy I went to school  
Where Dumbledore taught us all his golden rule:  
"Just skive off class from nine to four  
And you never will be punished — if you're Gryffindor!"

MINIONS:

And you never will be punished if you're Gryffindor!

SNAPE:

I took to heart what I was taught,  
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.

MINIONS:

He took to heart what he was taught, etc.

SNAPE:

Tom Riddle was like a father to me;  
He taught me Cruciatus and Occlumency.  
He marked me with his protective bond,  
And I licked his evil boots and polished his wand.

MINIONS:

He licked his evil boots and polished his— er... ahem, etc.

SNAPE:

I rubbed it up with oil just like I ought,  
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort!

MINIONS:

He rubbed it up with oil— ah... *cough*, etc.

SNAPE:

Months passed; I grew to understand  
That my Dark Lord was not a well man.  
Unicorn blood was his daily snack—  
And I never got to kill those wankers Potter and Black.  
So I plotted hard and soon I thought  
Of a plan to make the most of knowing Voldemort.

Like Saul on the road to Damascus, I  
Came crawling back to school with a repentful cry:  
"I've just realised killing Muggles is bad  
And the Dark Lord was a poor choice as a surrogate dad."  
Albus bribed a judge, and I lied in court,  
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.

For eighteen years I bided time,  
Teaching dunderheaded firsties how to brew up slime.  
Made sure that I was a trusted man—  
Then I poisoned Harry Potter at his final exam.  
The Light flipped off at the Final Assault,  
And now I am the right-hand man to Voldemort.

I knocked off Lucius, Bellatrix too,  
And Wormtail met his maker underneath my shoe.  
In pieces Voldie's mind is rent,  
And now, through him, I run a puppet government.

MINIONS:

And now, through him, he runs a puppet government!

SNAPE:

Dear Albus, here's my last retort:  
I really _am_ the right-hand man to Voldemort!

MINIONS:

Dear Albus, here's his last retort:  
He really was the right-hand man to Voldemort!

EXEUNT, to maniacal laughter

**Author's Note:**

> And an unrelated bonus verse:
> 
> I wrote a slashy fic wherein  
> A Gryffindor banged a Slytherin,  
> And that Harry/Draco ship, I ween,  
> Was the only ship that I ever had seen.  
> Writing that little ship was such a good plan  
> That now I am a Harry Potter Big Name Fan!


End file.
